Progresso and Expresso: Marriage is a marriage (or perhaps commitment, eh) to the journey, not to who the person is right now.
Like whoa.
I feel that this applies specifically to my journey with myself, with significance for the journey on which I am embarking since my injury and my journey with Andrew.
The Injury:
I had no idea. That is a recurrent theme circulating in my consciousness. I had no idea of the fears and insecurities kept at bay through my running. It was (is) a crutch. When I run, I have control. Control over the time of day, the pace, my breath, my speed...when I run, I feel that I have a right to consume food to replenish my energy supply. So, my running therefore gives me control of my consumption, and through this control (or facade of control) my fears are obscured. The fear of being out of control, the fear of unconscious consumption, in reality, the fear of being fat (or being perceived as fat by others - insert guttural sound at the bluntness and honesty and pain of that statement). I've worked hard. The summer of my sophomore/junior year of high school, I lost weight and received many compliments. It felt quite lovely. I was admired, used by others for inspiration, and discovered a new confidence in myself. What I neglected to realize, was that this confidence was vicarious. It was not from within, rather I obtained it from the praise of others.
What a dishonor to myself. I had no idea that I'd bought in to such a fallacious concept of confidence. The emotional lability experienced since my hip injury has been, well, arduous. It has affected my concept of self, relationships, exercise (obviously), consumption, and likely other areas that are not currently presiding in my cognitive realm. The AP (Acceptance Phase) is so difficult. I felt so bitter that I could not run. As if, because I could not do that, I wanted to nothing at all - to make a point. Then, I saw a person who'd had an amputation due to trauma = feelings of guilt like whoa. But still I was not ready to relinquish control. I started emotionally rather than consciously eating. Eating for comfort to soothe frustration and anxiety rather than facing my fears. Guilt increased because not only was I eating more than my "allotment" (more than was socially responsible or physiologically required), but I wasn't doing much physical activity so I started a positive feedback loop of guilt that fostered eating, that fostered guilt....like the pain cycle for my head and stomach.
Thick. Heavy. Weighed down....these words, such a negative connotation when applied to the emotional domain and the physical domain...interesting
I just got an inspiration for a drawing...sweet. Head, stomach, mind map, story people style...had to write that down here.
So, earth to problem solver, to knock out of this loop, what have I done?
I tried changing my eating and exercise habits: Fruit all morning, grains/carbs at lunch, and veggies at night. Eating less. I don't think it has been effective. I would abide by the plan for the first 2 meals, but by the evening, I would feel ravenous and therefore over consume and feel the emotional ramifications of that decision (that was not really a decision because I would rush through the meal without really considering what I was doing). The exercise: I thought the answer was biking. Apparently, however, that too (and swimming when using my legs), is irritating to my ITB; so is elliptical motion. Pisser, eh? So, I could lift weights. Awesome right? Not so much - because I do not enjoy lifting weights as I have in the past. I love running. I love nature. I love the morning. I love to run, outside, in the morning.
I digress.
Being inside the fitness center, under artificial lights, and not having time to go get in a good session and have time to clean up before class was frustrating.
So, I have decided to change gears once again. And I am excited about the prospects. I was thinking about physical therapy and how it is sub-optimal to change >1 modality at a time (ie: don't change gait pattern and AD at one juncture. Separate the changes to allow appropriate/specific adaption and mastery of one before introducing subsequent changes. Therefore, I will return to my former eating habits of oatmeal in the morning, yogurt, fruit, or a meal bar type option for lunch, and veggies with some sort of protein or small amount of grain the the evening. However, I will pray and perform a short meditation before consuming foods at each meal in hope and BELIEF that this will call out to my consciousness and empower/enable me to eat in a socially and physiologically responsible manner.
For exercise, I want to heal. I need to rest in order to do that. No more testing the waters before the appropriate time. I am SO EXCITED. I went to EVPL and checked out about 8 yoga videos. Not only am I hoping to improve core stability, balance, flexibility, and proprioception, I am on a quest for a change that is internally ignited. Oh, oh, oh! So excited!
This week:
I will not let fear vanquish.
I will have faith in myself because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I will meditate on balance: what it looks like, what it means, what is means for me, what is lacking in my life.
I will seek to further my spiritual self.
I will post again on this blog that was a tool to emancipate from perfectionist tendencies rather than avoid posting because I don't quite know just exactly how I want to pose a thought. I will simply write.
I will look for opportunities to serve others.
This Life:
I will be committed to the journey towards the person I am becoming, not the person I am right now.
I will write more about the journey with Andrew later, because right now I need to study:)
Like whoa.
I feel that this applies specifically to my journey with myself, with significance for the journey on which I am embarking since my injury and my journey with Andrew.
The Injury:
I had no idea. That is a recurrent theme circulating in my consciousness. I had no idea of the fears and insecurities kept at bay through my running. It was (is) a crutch. When I run, I have control. Control over the time of day, the pace, my breath, my speed...when I run, I feel that I have a right to consume food to replenish my energy supply. So, my running therefore gives me control of my consumption, and through this control (or facade of control) my fears are obscured. The fear of being out of control, the fear of unconscious consumption, in reality, the fear of being fat (or being perceived as fat by others - insert guttural sound at the bluntness and honesty and pain of that statement). I've worked hard. The summer of my sophomore/junior year of high school, I lost weight and received many compliments. It felt quite lovely. I was admired, used by others for inspiration, and discovered a new confidence in myself. What I neglected to realize, was that this confidence was vicarious. It was not from within, rather I obtained it from the praise of others.
What a dishonor to myself. I had no idea that I'd bought in to such a fallacious concept of confidence. The emotional lability experienced since my hip injury has been, well, arduous. It has affected my concept of self, relationships, exercise (obviously), consumption, and likely other areas that are not currently presiding in my cognitive realm. The AP (Acceptance Phase) is so difficult. I felt so bitter that I could not run. As if, because I could not do that, I wanted to nothing at all - to make a point. Then, I saw a person who'd had an amputation due to trauma = feelings of guilt like whoa. But still I was not ready to relinquish control. I started emotionally rather than consciously eating. Eating for comfort to soothe frustration and anxiety rather than facing my fears. Guilt increased because not only was I eating more than my "allotment" (more than was socially responsible or physiologically required), but I wasn't doing much physical activity so I started a positive feedback loop of guilt that fostered eating, that fostered guilt....like the pain cycle for my head and stomach.
Thick. Heavy. Weighed down....these words, such a negative connotation when applied to the emotional domain and the physical domain...interesting
I just got an inspiration for a drawing...sweet. Head, stomach, mind map, story people style...had to write that down here.
So, earth to problem solver, to knock out of this loop, what have I done?
I tried changing my eating and exercise habits: Fruit all morning, grains/carbs at lunch, and veggies at night. Eating less. I don't think it has been effective. I would abide by the plan for the first 2 meals, but by the evening, I would feel ravenous and therefore over consume and feel the emotional ramifications of that decision (that was not really a decision because I would rush through the meal without really considering what I was doing). The exercise: I thought the answer was biking. Apparently, however, that too (and swimming when using my legs), is irritating to my ITB; so is elliptical motion. Pisser, eh? So, I could lift weights. Awesome right? Not so much - because I do not enjoy lifting weights as I have in the past. I love running. I love nature. I love the morning. I love to run, outside, in the morning.
I digress.
Being inside the fitness center, under artificial lights, and not having time to go get in a good session and have time to clean up before class was frustrating.
So, I have decided to change gears once again. And I am excited about the prospects. I was thinking about physical therapy and how it is sub-optimal to change >1 modality at a time (ie: don't change gait pattern and AD at one juncture. Separate the changes to allow appropriate/specific adaption and mastery of one before introducing subsequent changes. Therefore, I will return to my former eating habits of oatmeal in the morning, yogurt, fruit, or a meal bar type option for lunch, and veggies with some sort of protein or small amount of grain the the evening. However, I will pray and perform a short meditation before consuming foods at each meal in hope and BELIEF that this will call out to my consciousness and empower/enable me to eat in a socially and physiologically responsible manner.
For exercise, I want to heal. I need to rest in order to do that. No more testing the waters before the appropriate time. I am SO EXCITED. I went to EVPL and checked out about 8 yoga videos. Not only am I hoping to improve core stability, balance, flexibility, and proprioception, I am on a quest for a change that is internally ignited. Oh, oh, oh! So excited!
This week:
I will not let fear vanquish.
I will have faith in myself because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I will meditate on balance: what it looks like, what it means, what is means for me, what is lacking in my life.
I will seek to further my spiritual self.
I will post again on this blog that was a tool to emancipate from perfectionist tendencies rather than avoid posting because I don't quite know just exactly how I want to pose a thought. I will simply write.
I will look for opportunities to serve others.
This Life:
I will be committed to the journey towards the person I am becoming, not the person I am right now.
I will write more about the journey with Andrew later, because right now I need to study:)
