Minimalism

Thanksgiving with Andrew and my family at my home was refreshing yet taxing in that it incurred much material for contemplation. For example, my home is full of stuff. Just stuff! Corners, closets, and crawl space hold piles and boxes of things that have not been used for years. The philosophy I so admire of having only things in one's home that are either beautiful or useful is not practiced at my childhood home. I often encourage and assist with clearing things out of certain areas when I visit, but I do not want to pose a judging presence. Such an image would be hypocritical, poorly received (especially by my father), and definitely not a display of the love and acceptance I feel for my family.

I too have many things in my closet that have not been used for years...I've significantly downsized, but is it necessary for me to remain attached to mementos? Do I find all the things I've kept beautiful or useful?

Food was one of the biggest occupants of my head over the weekend (well, most of the time, but especially during this holiday). I love going home because I have nearly endless resources for cooking and baking at my fingertips. It is heavenly. Spices, nuts, multiple types of flour...mmm, so good. But, then I go through my mail and read or skim through the numerous urgent notifications from Feeding America and End Hunger In Darfur and I feel guilt looking up at what is out on the cupboard...let alone in the 3 freezers and pantry. Is this bounty actually excess? Is is responsible to have all of this food? What is a socially responsible amount to purchase and consume? To which of these non-profit organizations should I contribute? If they are spending money to print and send me free notepads and return address labels, how much of the money sent in is actually going to those for whom the organization claims to provide support?

Then, last but not least...what to do with the massive amount of paper I do not keep? My parents do not recycle that material (though mom does take other products up to the recycling center about every two weeks), and I had about 15-18 letters that were packed with information, copied letters from refugees, return envelopes...definitely a full standard grocery bag's worth. Do I bring the paper back to Evansville to recycle? Do I pitch it at home (which I did and am feeling guilty about the decision)?

So much to learn.

While Reading

I am working through The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch (just started it today and also due today at EVPL under the "non-renewable/hot list" label....tricky) and wanted to take the opportunity to write the concepts that trigger introspection, reflection, or that I simply would like to further explore.

1. "An injured lion wants to know if he can still roar...It's about dignity and self-esteem, which isn't quite the same as vanity."




2. "I thought about how I defined myself: as a teacher, a computer scientist, a husband, a father, a son, a friend, a brother, a mentor to my students. Those were all roles I valued. But did any of those roles really set me apart?...I suddenly knew what it was. It came to me in a flash: Whatever my accomplishments, all of the things I loved were rooted in the dreams and goals I had as a child...and in the ways I had mangaged to fill almost all of them. My uniqueness, I realized, came in the specifics of all the dreams-from incredibly meaninful to decididly quirky...And I had lived out my dreams, in great measure, because of the things I was taught by all sorts of extraordinary people along the way."




3. For 'Rew: Walt Disney Imagineers, Electronic Arts, Carnegie Mellon (http://www.etc.cmu.edu/) The Entertainment Technology Center




4. "If there's an elephant in the room, introduce it": ie) He has cancer, aknowledge it and move on




5. "That is what it is. We cannot change the cards we are delt, just how we play the hand."




6. "It sounds oppressive by today's standards, but it was actually a magical childhood. I really do see myself as a guy who had this incredible leg up in life because I had a mother and a father who got so many things right. We didn't buy much. But we thought about everything. That's because my dad had this infectious inquisitiveness about current events, history, our lives."




7. "If you have any questions, then find the answer" (referencning the dictionary that was six steps away from the dinner table...but application to life in general).




8. "I quote my father to people almost every day. Part of that is because if you dispence your own wisdom, others often dismiss it; if you offer wisdom from a third party, it seems less arrogant and more acceptable."




9. "Never make a decision until you have to."




10. "Just because you're in the driver's seat, doesn't mean you have to run people over" (regarding positions of power).




11. "Have something to bring to the table, because that will make you more welcome" (as company and in business/professional transactions).




12. "I sometimes think I got more from pursuing that dream, and not accopmlishing it, then I did from many of the ones I did accomplish."




13. "You've got to get the fundamentals down, because otherwise the fancy stuff is not going to work."




14. "When you're screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they've given up on you."




15. "There's a lot of talk these days about giving children self-esteem. It's not something you can give; it's something they have to build...You give them something they can't do, they work hard until they find they can do it, and you just keep repeating the process."




16. Feedback loop for life: "Forcing me to work harder whenever I feel like quitting, forcing me to do better."




17. "[He] was the ultimate example of a man who knew what he didn't know, was perfectly willing to admit it, and didn't want to leave until he understood. That's heroic to me. I wish every grad student had that attitude."




18. Mantra: "The brick walls are there for a reason. They're not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something."



19. Pauschisms:



20. Time must be explicitely managed, like money.



21. You can always change your plan, but only if you have one.



22. Ask yourself: Are you spending your time on the right things?



23. Develop a good filing system.



24. Rethink the telephone - call just before lunch, people will talk fast and only cover critical points



25. Delegate.



26. Take a time out - time is all you have, and you may find one day that you have less than you think.



27. "Somehow, with the passage of time, and the deadlines that life imposes, surrendering became [is] the right thing to do."



28. "Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us acheive our goals. And it won't make us happier."



29. "You don't ever have to worry about what I'm thinking. Good or bad. I'll let you know what's in my head" (pertaining to the concept that we'd all be more efficient if we did not spend time worrying about what others think of us).



30. "If you wait long enough, people will surprise and impress you."



31. "Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity."



32. "Whether you think you can or can't, you're right."



33. "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" (Reminder not to focus on the little issues while ignoring the big ones).



34. "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted...and experience is often the most valuable thing you have to offer."



35. "Showing gratitude is one of the simplest yet most powerful things humans can do for each other."



36. "A lot of people want a shortcut. I find the best shorcut is the long way, which is basically two words: work hard."



37. "Eaten by wolves factor: When trying to make a decision, I often think of the worst-case scenario...what is the most terrible thing that could happen? One thing that makes it possible to be an optimist is if you have a contingency plan for when all hell breaks loose. There are a lot of things I don't worry about because I have a plan if they do. When you go into the wilderness, the only thing you can count on is what you take with you."



38. If you've done something wrong in your dealings with another person, it's as if there's an infection in your relationship. A good apology is like an antibiotic; a bad apology is like rubbing salt in the wound...Proper apologies have three parts: 1) What I did was wrong. 2)I feel badly that I hurt you. 3) How do I make this better?"



39. "Failure is not just acceptable, it's often essential."



40. "Tell the truth...all the time...You're only as good as your word."



41. "Get in touch with your crayon box."



42. "On every level, institutions can and should have a heart."



43. "No job is beneath you."



44. "...emphasize how sensitive you need to be when crossing from one culture to another...If you can find your footing between two cultures, sometimes you can have the best of both worlds."



45. "If you want something bad enough, never give up (and take a boost when offered)...Brick walls are there for a reason. And once you get over them-even if someone ahs to practically throw you over-it can be helpful to others to tell them how you did it."



46. "My personal take on optimism is that as a mental state, it can enable you to do tangible things to improve your physical state."

Marrying The Journey

Progresso and Expresso: Marriage is a marriage (or perhaps commitment, eh) to the journey, not to who the person is right now.
Like whoa.
I feel that this applies specifically to my journey with myself, with significance for the journey on which I am embarking since my injury and my journey with Andrew.
The Injury:
I had no idea. That is a recurrent theme circulating in my consciousness. I had no idea of the fears and insecurities kept at bay through my running. It was (is) a crutch. When I run, I have control. Control over the time of day, the pace, my breath, my speed...when I run, I feel that I have a right to consume food to replenish my energy supply. So, my running therefore gives me control of my consumption, and through this control (or facade of control) my fears are obscured. The fear of being out of control, the fear of unconscious consumption, in reality, the fear of being fat (or being perceived as fat by others - insert guttural sound at the bluntness and honesty and pain of that statement). I've worked hard. The summer of my sophomore/junior year of high school, I lost weight and received many compliments. It felt quite lovely. I was admired, used by others for inspiration, and discovered a new confidence in myself. What I neglected to realize, was that this confidence was vicarious. It was not from within, rather I obtained it from the praise of others.
What a dishonor to myself. I had no idea that I'd bought in to such a fallacious concept of confidence. The emotional lability experienced since my hip injury has been, well, arduous. It has affected my concept of self, relationships, exercise (obviously), consumption, and likely other areas that are not currently presiding in my cognitive realm. The AP (Acceptance Phase) is so difficult. I felt so bitter that I could not run. As if, because I could not do that, I wanted to nothing at all - to make a point. Then, I saw a person who'd had an amputation due to trauma = feelings of guilt like whoa. But still I was not ready to relinquish control. I started emotionally rather than consciously eating. Eating for comfort to soothe frustration and anxiety rather than facing my fears. Guilt increased because not only was I eating more than my "allotment" (more than was socially responsible or physiologically required), but I wasn't doing much physical activity so I started a positive feedback loop of guilt that fostered eating, that fostered guilt....like the pain cycle for my head and stomach.
Thick. Heavy. Weighed down....these words, such a negative connotation when applied to the emotional domain and the physical domain...interesting
I just got an inspiration for a drawing...sweet. Head, stomach, mind map, story people style...had to write that down here.
So, earth to problem solver, to knock out of this loop, what have I done?
I tried changing my eating and exercise habits: Fruit all morning, grains/carbs at lunch, and veggies at night. Eating less. I don't think it has been effective. I would abide by the plan for the first 2 meals, but by the evening, I would feel ravenous and therefore over consume and feel the emotional ramifications of that decision (that was not really a decision because I would rush through the meal without really considering what I was doing). The exercise: I thought the answer was biking. Apparently, however, that too (and swimming when using my legs), is irritating to my ITB; so is elliptical motion. Pisser, eh? So, I could lift weights. Awesome right? Not so much - because I do not enjoy lifting weights as I have in the past. I love running. I love nature. I love the morning. I love to run, outside, in the morning.
I digress.
Being inside the fitness center, under artificial lights, and not having time to go get in a good session and have time to clean up before class was frustrating.
So, I have decided to change gears once again. And I am excited about the prospects. I was thinking about physical therapy and how it is sub-optimal to change >1 modality at a time (ie: don't change gait pattern and AD at one juncture. Separate the changes to allow appropriate/specific adaption and mastery of one before introducing subsequent changes. Therefore, I will return to my former eating habits of oatmeal in the morning, yogurt, fruit, or a meal bar type option for lunch, and veggies with some sort of protein or small amount of grain the the evening. However, I will pray and perform a short meditation before consuming foods at each meal in hope and BELIEF that this will call out to my consciousness and empower/enable me to eat in a socially and physiologically responsible manner.
For exercise, I want to heal. I need to rest in order to do that. No more testing the waters before the appropriate time. I am SO EXCITED. I went to EVPL and checked out about 8 yoga videos. Not only am I hoping to improve core stability, balance, flexibility, and proprioception, I am on a quest for a change that is internally ignited. Oh, oh, oh! So excited!
This week:
I will not let fear vanquish.
I will have faith in myself because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I will meditate on balance: what it looks like, what it means, what is means for me, what is lacking in my life.
I will seek to further my spiritual self.
I will post again on this blog that was a tool to emancipate from perfectionist tendencies rather than avoid posting because I don't quite know just exactly how I want to pose a thought. I will simply write.
I will look for opportunities to serve others.

This Life:
I will be committed to the journey towards the person I am becoming, not the person I am right now.

I will write more about the journey with Andrew later, because right now I need to study:)

Stuff No More

So many implications of the title phrase:

1. Seeing the beauty in becoming a minimalist


2. The feelings I had after returning from San Francisco this past spring


3. Wondering when I will quit stifling my creativity in order to obtain a grade for a class, that really, I just have to pass--all the thoughts that flicker and then fade because they must be stuffed in a corner of my mental cave in order to focus attention on the task at hand


4. Ah, but then, is just passing enough-the perfectionist tendencies


5. Balance...I seek it, especially after the recent ankle sprain (therefore seeking both physical and psychological balance) but really, PIS RED is in a constant state of flux

My intentions for this blog are that it will be a place to confront myself, to communicate, and to facilitate creativity. It is a self-challenge because though I expect it to be cathartic, it will also be a battlefield. I will be pulled between the desire to simply create organically, to be entirely honest, but to post with the self-imposed standards of perfectionist in denial. The poet and the pragmatic will duel continuously.

The items colored above are topics on which I intend to expound in subsequent posts. I do not want to make mountains of molehills by attempting to existentially/philosophically stretch the meaning of a thought or experience (that would be rather irritating I believe). However, as one who it turns out is more of an introvert than an extrovert (which is difficult to admit) I analyze, I compare, and then I ruminate some more; so, I will not apologize for the thoughts and struggles (and thoughts about the thoughts and struggles) to be documented because like a Thanksgiving turkey frozen till Christmas (Holla for the Holidays) I have stuffed too long.